The Hidden Cost Of Keeping Your Options

“Every option you keep alive demands a little of your attention, until the life you've chosen is competing with all the lives you haven't.” – Stephen Scott Johnson

#6 The Nine Expressions of Frequency: From Pattern to Power series

Ever had a decision sitting at the back of your mind for weeks, where you already know the answer but keep finding one more thing to check first?

You've narrowed the new house down to two, and you already know which one you want. Then someone mentions that interest rates might drop, so you hold off and give it another week. By the end of the week there's a new rumour to wait on, and you're no further along than you were a month ago.

This is the Seeker Expression of Frequency from my book Ascendant. It's one of nine automatic ways you react under pressure, and most of us only notice them when someone points them out. When theSeekeris activated, your attention keeps returning to whatever hasn't been fully seen yet.

At its best, that's a real strength. You notice when two people agree a little too quickly, or when one detail doesn't line up with the rest. You ask the question nobody else thought to ask, and when you finally move, you move with the whole picture. And when something feels off to you, there's usually a good reason.

The trouble comes at the point the decision is ready. You can see the answer, and your attention drifts to whatever could still be checked. It's like scrolling through films for forty minutes when you'd already picked one, and ending up too tired to watch anything. Meanwhile your body never gets the signal that it's done, so part of you keeps scanning, even when you're trying to sleep.

Every answer you find just opens another question.

A founder I mentor had spent most of the year deciding whether to stop working with her biggest client, the one who paid well and wore her out. In one of our sessions she started reading me the list of things she still wanted to find out first. Halfway down, she stopped and said, "I decided this months ago. I just haven't let myself stop looking."

A 2022 analysis that pulled together 108 studies and more than 47,000 people found that those who always hold out for the best possible option consistently report lower wellbeing(Belli et al., 2022,Journal of Consumer Psychology, DOI: 10.1002/jcpy.1283). The extra checking that's meant to make you feel sure is part of what keeps you from feeling settled.

When you're coherent, you still notice what everyone else has walked past, and you still feel the pull to look a little further. You can also tell when you've seen enough, so you stop checking and decide with what you already know.

So here is this week's practice...

Pick one decision you've been sitting on. Write down what you'd choose if you had to decide today, then write down the next thing you were planning to check, and ask yourself whether it could change your answer. If it couldn't, decide today, and notice how your body feels the next morning.

To what matters most,